Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Taking Cover

Fear has a strange way of impacting every part of life. Mostly because it does so without notice - and catches a person unaware. In my attempt to avoid "triggers" that took my mind down ugly paths, I would change bits and pieces of my routine to mitigate risk. I would preplan a story of my time on duty at the WTC - because people would often have legitimate questions about my work there (or some were just inappropriately nosey.) This orchestrated script would allow me to protect my mind and heart from places I did not want to go. I would avoid certain parts of the grocery store, construction sites (often driving blocks out of the way to not go near the new development at Marshall University) and large malls or buildings. If I had to go in a large structure with lots of people, I would identify exactly where the exits were (and how many paces to get there), structurally safe points to position myself and my family and so on. No one ever knew that I took these measures (although my wife had a clue - she always does:)

When my "extra measures" didn't ease the terror dreams at night, I would stay up as late as possible - on the brink of passing out from exhaustion - and hope I wouldn't reach a dream state. My acts of desperation to fix myself failed every step of the way. Even so, I pressed on not knowing what else to do.

The lack of rest and my hyper-alert state eventually wore on my physical condition and exhaustion set in. As my son, Nate would say, I became a "grumbly bear" (although Jennifer probably has another name for it.) I didn't talk with Jennifer - about anything. My son, Elijah was - well, I don't really know. I was too out of it to remember anything about him or that time. Not long after I returned home from my work in NYC, I learned we were expecting again - another baby boy was on the way.

2 comments:

3Strands said...

You need to write a book about youre lifes experiences you have a gift for writing---keep up good work, look forward to reading blog as you continue----Bo

Unknown said...

I agree with cwi3, you do need to write a book. Your story is amazing, and it could be therapeutic in some ways to write about it. Take care--
Stacie